you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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