Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
