I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
