turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
