Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
