you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
