i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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