I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
