my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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