I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.