Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
