you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
