I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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