At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
