Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
