My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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