I want to make a zoo with you.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
