I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
