You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
