stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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