So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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