i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I checked into jail on foursquare
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
