Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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