I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
