She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
