oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
