Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
