You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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