apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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