He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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