tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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