Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
