boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
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We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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