just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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