this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
