I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
