Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
