I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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