i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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