Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
