Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
