: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
