you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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