At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
