Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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