he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she looked like the before picture.
Do vagina's smell?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
