Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
