Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
