I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
