No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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