I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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