OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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