mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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