If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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