Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry about my life...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
